Pushing People Away

It amazes me how many people I know who would rather push people away than work on making any changes that they can to improve a relationship, regardless of the type of relationship.  I guess it’s easier than doing some self-reflection and realizing that you are part of the problem and need to make some changes, apologize, and/or make up for something.  I do understand how hard it is to make changes for the better, even if you do realize that you need to do so.  But why is it so easy to do the opposite and behave even worse, which only pushes the other person away?

I’ve experienced this in different forms over the years, and I feel like I’ve been pushed so many times, that it doesn’t take much for me to push back at this point.  I wish that weren’t the case, but it is.  It’s hard to step back from that, and it makes it even more difficult to take steps in the right direction.  And it’s challenging to refrain from reacting the same way or even worse each time to the same repeated behavior.  Trying to keep motivated to make improvements when you feel like you are the only one who is interested in making the effort becomes difficult too.

It’s definitely easier to blame others for everything instead of admitting that you have made mistakes, have failed at something, or have flaws.   Continue reading

Quick Fixes

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A lot of the things I have been thinking and talking about lately all have to do with quick fixes.  It seems like too much of the time whatever is the easiest or fastest solution is chosen, and/or it is expected that change will happen immediately.  Unfortunately, what comes easy won’t last and what lasts won’t come easy.

Many situations or solutions require giving it time and putting in the effort, but not everyone is willing to do that.  Whether it’s a relationship, a health issue, education reform, a social issue, or any number of other possibilities, it often takes a very long time for things to progress to the point where they are at, so we need to understand that it is most likely going to take just as long to see real change.

Relationships are good examples.  It’s easier to just walk away or maybe have an affair that temporarily makes you feel better, rather than admit you might have been part of the problem and need to make some changes or dig deep to get to the root of some of the issues.  Working on the issues requires dedication, a lot of effort and mental energy, and willingness to make the changes, which is sometimes the hardest part.  It also requires a lot of patience because it won’t happen overnight.  If you do decide to work on things, you can’t approach seeing a therapist as a quick fix either, expecting to see results in a couple of sessions.  It takes time for everyone to feel comfortable, to get to the issues, and to work on the solutions.  Even walking away from an argument just to end the argument is a quick fix that is not going to help.  It may end the argument, but if you are not willing to come back and talk about the issues, they are going to keep happening, which will lead to more arguments.

Health issues also come to mind because who doesn’t want a quick fix to lose weight, get rid of wrinkles, have more energy and focus, and so on.  Often our bodies have been out of balance for really long time, so we can’t expect that change will happen overnight.  If it does, it probably won’t last.  But it’s easier to pop a pill, grab an energy drink, or have a little surgery than to really focus on what we are putting into our bodies on a daily basis and anything else we can do to return our bodies to a healthy balance and then keep it that way.

Education reform is another example.  Change takes a really long time, but it seems like too many people don’t understand that, especially those who make decisions about education.  When new standards or protocols are put into place, we are so quick to come down on teachers for not doing their job when their jobs keep getting more and more demanding.  If the first set of test scores after a new system has been put into place aren’t showing a significant difference, then the new system is deemed a failure.  It’s never as simple as people want to make it out to be.
The same thing can be said for most of the issues being debated pertaining to recent events and various social issues.  It’s not just a gun control issue … or a homophobia issue … or a toxic masculinity issue … or a mental health issue … or a terrorism issue … or a Republicans vs. Democrats issue … or a career politician issue … and so on and so forth.  It’s everything put together, and we can’t just focus on one aspect of it and think that any one change we can make such as banning assault weapons is going to be the quick fix.  It’s certainly a start, but it is going to take way more than that.

No matter what situation or personal issue, very seldom is there a quick fix.  The bigger the problem or the longer it has been a problem, the harder and more complicated the solution will be.  The more willing we are to accept that fact and put in the effort, the more productive we can be in resolving any issues, whatever they may be.  I think the harder we work for something, the more rewarding it feels when it finally happens, which is another reason to skip the quick fixes in our personal lives.

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Maintaining Middle Ground

With some people, there doesn’t ever seem to be a middle ground.  Everything is black or white, all or nothing.  Either you’re on their side or completely against them.  I definitely know more than one person who fits this description, and it makes communication quite difficult sometimes.

One of the things that is difficult is trying to get a point across without them over-interpreting things as I sometimes call it, is the fact that they tend to interpret things as being one extreme or the other.  And unfortunately, the worst possible interpretation seems to be the one of choice most of the time.   Continue reading

Holding Grudges


The topic of grudges has been on my mind lately because I recently had a friend admit that she was upset about something that I DIDN’T say (or didn’t say enough) to her last year.  This came out in relation to something she was upset about recently, and it became apparent that she has been holding a grudge about last year and exhibiting passive aggressive behavior towards me in the meantime.  And then when she finally did express her frustration, she didn’t hesitate to include some insults and other very hurtful things.  I would have preferred that she said something a year ago instead, rather than let it affect how she has treated me since then.

Ironically, she is generally pretty quick to tell other people if there is something they have done or said that bothers her.  That’s the other extreme, where we don’t hesitate to point out every little thing.  But that can be difficult NOT to do with the people who continue to repeat the same patterns of behavior that irritate us or hurt our feelings. It’s hard to resist the urge when it happens so frequently.  I can relate to both of the situations, as I too have people in my life who are repeat offenders with plenty of negative behaviors, but I have also hesitated to tell her things that she has done in the past that I didn’t like.  I was willing to overlook the negatives with her because the positives outweighed them.

I understand that it’s difficult to tell people we care about that they have hurt our feelings or disappointed us somehow, especially if we don’t think they are going to react very well.  Or perhaps it’s a matter of not wanting to upset the fruit basket, so to speak.  Unfortunately, when we don’t speak up, things fester, and little things become bigger than they should.  And when we finally have the courage to say something, it often doesn’t come out in the most constructive way. Once my buttons were pushed, it wasn’t difficult to let her know about the negatives I was no longer willing to overlook, just as she was not hesitant to say hurtful things to me.

Neither complaining frequently nor choosing to not say something at all are necessarily the best way to go about dealing with frustration or hurt feelings. Listening to someone complain all the time gets very old and can be mentally draining at times. Yet, holding onto negative feelings for a long time can be just as toxic.  Both can tip the scale so that it seems like there are more negatives than positives in whatever type of relationship.  Somewhere in the middle is probably the best approach where we pick our battles, so to speak, and find a way to constructively point out the things that bother us the most and try to let go of the less significant things. Otherwise, we run the risk of having to decide if we are willing to let go of the friendship or relationship that has become toxic instead.

Comments are always welcome!  Clicking on the “Home” page tab will allow you to scroll through other posts, or you can select a category or tag word to find similar topics.  If you would like to read future posts, please follow the blog or my Facebook page.

Agreeing To Disagree


Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like more people are having a harder time dealing with other people who disagree with them than ever before.  People are increasingly set in their ways, unwilling to listen to anyone else’s opinion, and more easily offended by anyone who doesn’t share their opinion.

I’ve experienced this both personally with people I know about everyday life situations, and I see it in social media, in the news, and particularly with this presidential race.  I’ve touched on this topic before in a post called “Being Open-Minded” where I talk about not being judgmental, giving people the benefit of the doubt, and not being so set in our ways and how we view the world around us.  It is very difficult to communicate with people who are judgmental, who don’t give people the benefit of the doubt, and who get upset if someone doesn’t view something the same way they do.  Everything has to be worded so carefully and said just at the right time or it’s likely to evoke a negative response.  And it’s frustrating having my intentions questioned when all I am doing is trying to help.  Both can be very mentally draining at times.

People should be allowed to express their opinions as long as it is not being done in a way that is threatening or harmful.  I’m all for being respectful of others and feeling safe in my environment, but it seems to me that some people are so easily threatened or offended by anyone who doesn’t think the exact same way they do.   Continue reading

Coping With Conflict


Conflict can’t possibly be avoided.  It appears to be everywhere, especially in my house. I even have family members who seem to enjoy creating conflict where there shouldn’t be any.   Everyone has different ways of dealing with it too, including within my family.  That’s what makes it challenging.  Of course, it would be nice if there was a lot less conflict to begin with because people were more tolerant, respectful, and cooperative and less stubborn, impatient, and selfish.  Unfortunately, I don’t see those things changing too quickly.  What would be REALLY nice is if there were better coping skills for dealing with the conflict because while we can’t control what other people do or say or what is happening around us, we can control how we react to it, at least some of the time. Continue reading

Placing Blame

It seems to be human nature that when something goes wrong, many people want to immediately figure out who is to blame.  Often times, people are quick to blame anyone and everyone else except themselves.  It’s easier that way, because then there is no apology necessary and no need to do anything differently the next time because we didn’t do anything wrong in the first place.  It is difficult for some people to look in the mirror and see someone who has flaws and doesn’t have all the answers.  The thing is, no one is perfect, and we all make mistakes.  It’s just that some people are willing to admit that and do something about it and others are not.

I am one who likes to figure out why things happen, so I do sometimes want to talk about what caused a certain chain of events to happen, but I am doing that with the intent on preventing the same negative chain of events from happening in the future. It’s not just about placing blame but figuring out what to do differently the next time.   Continue reading